Saturday, April 21, 2007

Expressing the Inexpressible

I made a trip last week to Snowdonia National Park - one of the most awesome places of natural beauty in the UK. But during this same weekend, there is a void inside my heart that is pulling stronger. You see, it's coming to a year since my gran's passing, and April 13 was her birthday. This weekend has been an dizzying infusion of experiences -- through the struggles of aching muscles, the elations of hilly ascents, and the harmonic pauses of vast mountain tranquility, I am reminded that expressions of beauty - akin to feelings of loss and notions of heartache -- are, more often than not, inexpressible. I'm struggling to unscramble what my heart feels to express -- to untangle and describe the part of my heart that feels a silhouetted void.

People say that when someone you love leaves, it takes a piece of you with them. I wonder if this is what they mean: this sense of heartache that I feel. Like a shadow that casts over the heart when I am reminded that I can no longer go over to gran's house to see her. Or that despairing thug that I feel whenever I am reminded that I cannot anymore hear her words of wisdom and encouragement that I so dearly miss. How can I describe the loss of someone who has most loved me? Here's what I have been struggling with...

It's weird you know - there is a fear within me that I will forget her, and what she has left behind in all of us. My gran has demonstrated without measure how so fiercely loyal the love of God is for those of us who call upon His name. The constancy of the Father's faithfulness overflowed in good measure even through through her fears and failings.

Hebrews says that we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses. The witness is in the way they lived their lives -- those who testified as a sinner, but forgiven as if a saint through the sacrifice of Christ. The witness is also in the way God has used them for His purposes - inspite of all the failings and frailty of their human weakness, the manifestation of God's power shines radiantly through.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-2)

SnowdoniaAs I was bowled over by the majestic mountains, and as the far-reaching landscapes of Snowdon gradually pan by through the window panes of a mini-bus, God whispered, "She's in a place more beautiful than this".

I realise I miss her. The ache still surfaces at unexpected places through a picture, song, story or landscape. The views were spectacular, but the reminder was bittersweet. For me, it brought into rememberance the endurance race that we, as children of God, are in. I am reminded of how powerful, and necessary it is for us to have a sense of people from the present and the past cheering us on.


This cloud of witnesses, as the Bible puts it, are cheering. They are spurring us on: Will you finish? Will you run and make us proud?

For me, amongst this crowd of godly citizens, I can imagine my gran staring fondly at me, with a soft smile and a determined gaze, saying: "I have made my journey, now you make yours."

"Run on and make me proud."

Hearing those words made me sad to be reminded of my gran. But I sense a welling-up in my spirit, with renewed fuel for the journey.

Yes, I am reminded that it's all about a long-haul journey: Run well and run vehemently. Finish the race in the right place. Make sure I cross the right line. Finally, come bearing fruit.

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# posted by Sal : 12:38 a.m. | Be notified of new blogs |   Forward to a friend
Comments:
yes.. it's never how well we started but how we end and who we are meeting at the end of the race =) As with the encouragement from Hebrews 12@1 one of my fav actually... we have a lot of ppl cheering for us ... and we have companions, bros and sisters that God send at different stages to walk with Us... behind the changes of events/circumstances, God is the only constant we hold and trust with our lives =)

# posted by Blogger irene : May 22, 2007 4:19 p.m.
 
Yes absolutely. They ultimate strength comes from God's presence in us. With the cloud of witnesses and people around encouraging us, it can often help us see through the dark clouds that stop us from seeing and believing (wholeheartedly) the spiritual reality that is shaped by God's word. We all need a nudge once in a while and one can count themselves very blessed to have companions who carry God's grace, but yet not afraid to say what we may not necessarily want to hear. Thanks for dropping in!

# posted by Blogger Sal : June 20, 2007 4:30 p.m.
 

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