Friday, December 15, 2006
Relationship Foundations - Part 2
10 Rules for Fair FightingAll of us need to be able to have healthy confrontational conversations, especially in close relationships. The question is how do we fight, yet preserve the integrity and intimacy in our relationships? In other words, how do we fight in relationships yet stay within the boundaries of love?
There are no methods to apply because people matter more than methods, but the following guidelines may be helpful...
1. No ambush
Make an appointment to talk: (a) for a certain time and place, (b) for a certain issue.
2. Present your arguments sensibly
As preparation for the discussionm work out for yourself exactly what you want, and the reasons why you want it. Organise your arguments. Be sure that what you are asking for is really what you desire, and that it's the real issue which is being discussed.
3. Listen carefully to your partner
Every time your partner makes a point, restate the point in your own words to make sure you understand exactly what he/she means. Before you respond to any point, check to be sure that you understand how your partner feels. Ask questions.
4. Stick to the issue
Fight about no more than two related issues at a time. If side issues are raised, these must be laid aside for another fight. Past history is nearly always irrelevant. Don't pin labels or attributes on your partner. ("You're always...", "You never...")
5. Agree on what kind of behaviour is acceptable
This needs to be negotiated between the couple. Some possibilities are: acceptable posture (e.g. standing or sitting), tone of voice, no coercive behaviour, etc.
6. Keep all blows above the belt
By the time a couple has spend time together each knows the sensitive areas of the other. they know just the area in which the other can be hurt. Attacking these areas is a "foul" (in sports analogy). This assures that the belt line is not dishonestly set higher than need be.
7. Don't over react
While it is certainly appropriate and necessary to fight about relatively minor issues so that they don't build up, do not fight with more force then the issue warrants. Are you hiding larger feelings behind something trivial?
8. If you can't settle the issues, table it for a later, specific and agreed upon time
Often a complicated issue cannot be resolved in one sitting. A temporary truce can often be helpful in rethinking one's own position, cooling off, or simply recovering from fatigue. Time and place to resume the discussion should be agreed upon.
9. If you can agree, decide how to carry out your decision
Who will do what, is there a deadline?
10. If you are later dissatisfied with the decision, you must make an appointment for another discussion
Labels: Christian Living, Friendships, Relationships
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