Thursday, October 05, 2006
Relationship Foundations - Part 1
Differentiating forgiveness and trustHow can I forgive and trust again?
This is often a question each one of us will ask ourselves at one point or another through our lives. I don't know its one with an obvious answer, but I find that as we wade through the waters of life and relationships, the answer to this question becomes harder in practice to come by. I have been at both ends being the person that needs to bestow forgiveness, as well as being the person that needs to receive forgiveness. I am in a situation with a close friend for the latter, hence the current thoughts about this.
People often confuse forgiveness and trust, but they are totally different things. If you have come face to face with the dilemma of "how can I forgive without opening myself to being hurt again?", then it is important to make a clear distinction between these two elements.
Forgiveness has to do with the past -- it is not holding something someone has done against you and letting go. Obviously, when there is a great deal of hurt, getting to the point of true forgiveness can take time, so it does not always happen immediately. If other person(s) involved wish to give/accept forgiveness, then there is reconciliation, and this has to do with the present.
However, the whole aspect of trust has to do with the future. It deals with what you will risk happenning and what you are willing to open yourself to again. A person must show through his/her actions that he/she is trustworthy before one can trust them again.
In some situations one may forgive someone, but desire no future relationship. Forgiveness does not dictate the future structure; they only wipe the slate clean. Both forgiveness and reconciliation are important requirements which the Lord has called us to live by. But that does not necessarily mean that trust should be given away easily. If a person cannot demonstrate by their actions trustworthiness, then trust will be difficult to come by.
The key point here: Keep the future clearly differentiated from the past. Again, sound advice for me to be reminded of.
Source: Certain sections condensed from "Boundaries Face to Face", Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Labels: Forgiveness, Friendships, Relationships
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i didn't quite get your final view on this.. so if the person is not trustworthy, do you trust them in future? would you continue to have that trusting relationship with that person/
Forgiveness and reconciliation are important choices that God has called us to embrace (i.e. "slate has been wiped clean"). But trust has to be earned over time.
An important question is: should one treat the person as untrustworthy after forgiving them? This can "imprison" the person with the chains of the past i.e. if after an offence, one continues to 'actively' label and treat the person as untrustworthy, it can be difficult for the person to change.
Personally, I would start to trust the person in small steps and start rebuilding from there. Practically, I know that this can be difficult. However, if God has forgiven us and our guilt removed, then we must try to give the person the freedom to change and re-build the trust that was lost.
Of course if the person is clearly untrustworthy, there can be no real relationship.
An important question is: should one treat the person as untrustworthy after forgiving them? This can "imprison" the person with the chains of the past i.e. if after an offence, one continues to 'actively' label and treat the person as untrustworthy, it can be difficult for the person to change.
Personally, I would start to trust the person in small steps and start rebuilding from there. Practically, I know that this can be difficult. However, if God has forgiven us and our guilt removed, then we must try to give the person the freedom to change and re-build the trust that was lost.
Of course if the person is clearly untrustworthy, there can be no real relationship.
My personal opinion is that when we decide to trust someone, we must somehow have made ourselves vulnerable in the friendship.I believe that's the beauty of trust. Sometimes, when we reach the point of 'trust or not', we don't even think about 'forgiveness'. Perhaps, we trust because trusting is one of the elements of creation.
Hi Rachel - I agree with you that in the first step of trusting, we do not think about forgiveness.
The issue, however, comes when offences and hurt (or sometimes, what is perceived to be offences) are inflicted by those we initially trusted and open up to -- that's when the dillema kicks in - whether to trust again. In these situations, to trust again, there is a process of first forgiveness, then reconciliation, and subsequently rebuilding of trust.
As you rightly say so, there is a an element of making a "decision to trust". But without going through this process, I am not sure whether what depth of trust is possible. God has much more for us, but I know of relationships that do not recover because it does not get past the forgiveness stage.
The issue, however, comes when offences and hurt (or sometimes, what is perceived to be offences) are inflicted by those we initially trusted and open up to -- that's when the dillema kicks in - whether to trust again. In these situations, to trust again, there is a process of first forgiveness, then reconciliation, and subsequently rebuilding of trust.
As you rightly say so, there is a an element of making a "decision to trust". But without going through this process, I am not sure whether what depth of trust is possible. God has much more for us, but I know of relationships that do not recover because it does not get past the forgiveness stage.
I agree and disagree.. As i am going through the same thing now, I forgive her, as i know i am not any better than her. However, i don't think Total reconciliation is possible , not that i will label her or anything, and Yes i trust God that he will work on her IF SHE ALLOWS GOD AND WANTS TO CHANGE. Don't forget, it takes two hands to clap. Real and transparent relationship can only happen when there is integrity in both parties
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