Reflections on Life and Spirituality 101

It distrubs me that at times, I am not sure how I feel in this situation. Sometimes I am able to gauge what my thoughts and feelings are, whilst other moments I have difficulty putting my finger how I am reacting. I move between a glimpse of hope to sometimes accepting the inevitability of her situation.

Every one of us walks (or will walk) through situations like this carrying the burden in ways unique to our personalities and backgrounds. Many times I have woken in the middle of the night with questions in my head. I guess what I'm feeling is the tension of seeing someone dear 'slipping away'.

• Lord, my rational mind cannot see how Your glory will come through these dark times. Will it? Whatever happens, I have asked You to be glorified, but sometimes I think I don't have enough faith to believe that You can indeed be glorified in this situation.
• When will you take her? You have impressed upon my heart two specific passages from the Bible that talks about sacrifice bearing fruit and a believer's glorious future with You. This is both assuring and scary, and I am thankful that she knows You.
• Lord, with the remaining time given, how can I make the most out of it and not regret when I look back?

I sometimes do not even know whether these are legitimate questions or whether, for certain questions, I lack faith. I am trying to hold on to some hope for her, but I think there is a part of me that is hesitating, afraid to hope and not to commit so much because I know that we will eventually lose her.

I am presently starting to read this book called Back to Jerusalem, about God's sovereign work in China over the centuries. It explains how in 1953, the Communists shut down the church and expelled every foreign missionary from the country:

"The general consensus [at that time] was that there was no way the fledgling believers left behind in the Bamboo Curtain could survive the brutality of the totalitarian regime hell-bent on destroying Christianity once and for all. Several articles suggested that if and when China's doors were reopened, the missionary enterprise would have to begin all over again. They were wrong. " (pg 11)

Every shred of human wisdom at that time (including that of very 'spiritual' missionaries) expressed the viewpoint of defeat in relation to missions work, but God had other plans beyond our finite comprehension.

In my current situation, God is sovereign and we need to trust even when we are blind. Even as I am writing this, I am reminded of what God says in His word:

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts." (Full text, Is 55:8-11)

When we hit the brick wall of asking the whys and hows, I know that He is saying 'Let go and let Me be God'.

Lord, let Your Word sink deeper into my spirit and confer wisdom in my heart to handle this situation.

[More: Seeing someone dear slip away - Part II]