Friday, December 30, 2005
Towards 2006: Gazing back and marching on
Have you ever returned to that place where you are asking yourself, "Where am I going next? Lord, where are you taking me?"
This year, I struggled with many things, but found it difficult to express it to others, as well as not having the right people to share my burdens with. I am not sure I know how to further expand on how I feel, but it's a combination of weariness, feeling lost and the yearning for something more (which I do not yet know what it is) -- that's the best way I can translate it into words. I am not necessarily searching for answers, although that would be good. But I am trying to understand how I should respond from God's perspective.
As I am reflecting on the year past, it seems like not a lot has progressed forward... ever feel like that? I am trying to make some sense of it all.
It is weird. I feel that I have been a traveler most of my life. No roots that would otherwise to stop me from making anywhere "home". Metaphorically, a 'nomadic' lifestyle. But there are times I yearn to settle into something more permanent, which where I am right now in my musings.
It is easy to run away from things, people and situations. Many of us do this and I, for one, am a master at this. Running away from tackling tough relationships, preferring to "throw it away" and avoiding further conflict rather than making it work; hiding rather than letting the appropriate people in; choosing easy decisions that are convenient rather than ones that reflect God's righteousness, mercy and grace, which are often costly.
Maybe it's the wintry conditions, maybe it's just the tiredness, I do not know. But there is a chill in my soul, which feels so alone in its disposition, which I am not sure anyone would understand.
Looking back, now I am recounting the times when I received from Him, even through the silent hum of solitude - these 'learning snapshots':
- My grandmother's terminal illness and the struggle to release her to the Lord -- When we hit the brick wall of asking the whys and hows, He is saying 'Let go and let Me be God'.
- A solitary holiday with the Lord's voice as my journey guide -- Here, I learned that in navigating the obstacles in our life journeys, remember to look up and beyond to appreciate the beauty around.
- Worship and its interconnectedness with mercy in action -- God's lesson to me that not taking action means not showing mercy.
- Seeing afresh God's hand in the smallest detail -- Through this I am encouraged that God our Father understands deeper than we can ever know. He is indeed passionately mindful of the small affairs of our lives.
I am encouraged by something I heard recently: "We are not yet as we should be towards becoming like Christ, but we are growing towards it in the right direction -- at times, it feels like we are soaring, other times running, walking, and in many instances merely crawling. However, at junctures when it feels like we are standing still, take heart that God has yet to complete all which He has for us, and that we are at least facing the right direction."
Have a very blessed New Year.
Labels: Spiritual Direction / Guidance
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Thanks for your sharing. Reflecting on what the Lord has done last year is truly a refreshing way to usher in the New Year. Coincidentally, that was what I did with my home fellowship believers last night and we also shared a great meal together. Nice quiet celebration, no loud music and traffic chaos! Someone sent me a text message today which I find it good and thought of sharing it; It says 'No one can go back and make a new beginning but anyone can start from now and make a happy ending.' Hope you will have a New Year that starts right and ends happy.
# posted by 
: January 01, 2006 9:22 a.m.
: January 01, 2006 9:22 a.m.
surprisingly, i feel comforted after reading your post. My 2005 was like yours,i have the aloneness within my soul too. We will wait in anticipation and continue to experience his presence in his absence.
# posted by : January 03, 2006 1:43 p.m.
: January 03, 2006 1:43 p.m.
Thanks- I am always encouraged when fellow travellers drop by, in effect saying: you are not alone in this walk.
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